December 10, 2005

My Christmas List

Caution, you are about to enter an editor-free zone...
My Christmas List
by Janelle Meraz Hooper

Here they come again. On my television screen. Men with no shirts on, hawking men’s cologne that my husband wouldn’t wear to chop wood. It’s just $69.99, the tagline says. Who are they trying to kid? That’s almost $70.00!
And here come the beautiful women looking like they’ve never cleaned out a sink basket. They’re trying their best to convince my husband that he doesn’t really love me if he doesn’t buy me that ring that has diamonds big enough to choke a hippopotamus.
The tip-off for these pricey gifts is the tagline at the bottom: available in fine department stores everywhere. I’m waiting for the ad that says: Pick one up anywhere—we made a zillion of them! Better yet would be an ad that said: Free with a tank of gas!
Luckily for our bank account, after over thirty-four years, my husband has my number. If he wants to make me happy, all he has to do is bring on the singing fish. The rest of the family is catching on. My aunt sent me a singing chicken. My grandson gave me a singing lobster last Christmas. This year, I’m hoping for singing turtles—three of them. Add to my list:
I want the new re-mastered CDs of classic rock and roll songs recorded by guys like Hall & Oates, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Mick Jagger. They rock!
And one of those big packages of computer paper in assorted colors. I want the loud kind. Not that wimpy, pastel stuff. I have no idea what I’ll do with it, I just want it. It must be the little kid in me.
Then, I want a tree, some tangerines, and some popcorn. It’s not Christmas without popcorn. Everyone knows that except that skinny guy on my television with the shaved chest selling cologne.
Oh, and honey, I was just kidding about not wanting the diamond ring. I’m crazy, but I’m not dumb! Pick one up!
An excerpt from Free Pecan Pie and Other Chick Stories, a short story collection by Janelle Meraz Hooper
The above is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling so helpless about not being able to help those more unfortunate (like those in our South, and in Pakistan). I've always heard the pen is mightier than the sword, but I guess it depends upon whose pen it is...

No comments: