October 11, 2008

Wanda the Witch Hits Wall Street

Wanda Hits Wall Street
Janelle Meraz Hooper

Wanda was hot under her witch hat. It was bad enough that the crooks on Wall Street had stolen her retirement account, but their greedy screw-up was going to cause a case of trickled down economics at its worst. Parents everywhere announced they were going to have to cinch in their belts, and the first thing to go was the trick-or-treat candy. Well, Wanda didn’t blame them. She’d just been turned down on a loan for one of those new, hybrid brooms. It was Wall Street she had it in for, and she developed a two-part plan to get even.
The first part was easy. She provided Halloween candy for all of the world’s children, even in countries where Halloween wasn’t celebrated. She figured even if they didn’t celebrate Halloween, they would know how to celebrate a pocketful of candy. She paid for the candy with the petty cash the stockbrokers had hidden in secret bank accounts. That done, it was time to move to part two of her plan.
Right at midnight, Wanda flew into Wall Street with her fat cats and instructed them to leave deposits everywhere. On the carpets, on the desks, and in the fancy espresso coffeepots. Then, when the cats were done, with a wave of her wand, Wanda multiplied the deposits by 34.5%. That was the exact percentage the investors were charging for home and small business loans. Their golden parachutes she turned into fool’s gold, their retirement packages vanished into the crisp October air. Their trophy wives began to look like their first wives. As a final touch, the Halloween candy on their desks was exchanged for a special blend that gave the investors a permanent case of the green cherry quickstep. Then, on the way out the door, she waved her wand and permanently sealed the doors to their executive bathrooms.
Ah, it was a good night’s work. But it was over too soon. Wanda moved onto Washington, D.C.
Happy Halloween, Everyone! Oh, if it were only so!

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